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just a place for thoughts
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i needed a place for to blog the articles or poems i've written, and based on what the first one was that i needed to post, i thought this website was the perfect place.

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i still remember the day someone told me to just “get over it”. If only it was that simple.. Because you don’t see how i have night terrors every single night. and sometimes when i wake up i see a figure standing over me. how up until 3 months ago i cried every time i took a shower. how when i’m really seeing everything over again, i’ll scrub my body raw in the shower and i’m hoping that the harder i scrub the memories will go down the drain as well. But it doesn’t. That night is forever printed in my brain, and in my memories, and in my skin.

And he will never understand what he did to me because it doesn’t affect him He got what he wanted and that’s all that matters. So he’s walking free in that town and i never felt safe there and even after i moved over 1000 miles away i was still scared to walk down the street. Because every time i turn around i half expect him to be standing there and i’m scared all the time. Because you don’t just forget about it. you don’t just get over it.

So someone please tell me why this is still happening to people.
How many people have to be raped and go through this until it stops
453 days ago
every night i look at you and think how lucky i am to come home to you,
every morning i look at you and think how lucky i am to wake up next to you.

Then there’s moments when i just think of you, and realize how lucky i am to love you.
453 days ago
​To The Man That Raped Me,
For the longest time i hated you, not only because of what you did to me, but because you took away what small innocence I had left in me. You took away the trust i had in men for, what seemed like forever. Now i'm sure if you're reading this you'll be sitting on your bed furious and yelling and saying that it didn't happen, or that i was too drunk to remember. Well hey guess what, i remember. It's now almost a year later and most of my hate towards you has subsided into, surprisingly enough, me feeling sorry for you. Maybe something happened to you when you were little and you couldn't figure out the line between consent and being passed out. Or maybe you're just an idiot and knew the line but did it anyways. Either way I feel sorry for you because you don't have the part in you where decent human courtesy should be.

I feel sorry for you, because you will never know just how hard it is for me to even walk out to my car alone at night, or how I have to have every light on in the house, or how i check and double check and triple check that the windows and doors are locked. I have moved over and over again praying that if i move enough or far enough away, I would feel safe. But that's not the case now is it. No. It's almost a year later. I should "get over it". But that's not how this works. I was told repeatedly that it was my fault, and for the longest time I believed those people, if I hadn't gone to that party. If i hadn't had that drink, then this wouldn't have happened, right? Wrong. Because it wasn't my fault. It was yours, you stripped me of my innocence and killed my trust in people.

I would also like to thank you, because of what you did, you have showed the naive part of me that not all people are good. And while that was the harshest reality check I've ever received in my entire life, in some way I suppose it was needed. No, I am most certainly not saying that what you did was okay and I am most certainly not saying that I forgive you for what you did. Because I could never forgive you for what you have taken from me.

To the Okaloosa Sheriffs Department,
I would like to take the time to thank you all so much for wasting my time about filling out paper work after paper work all for nothing. All you did was get my hopes up that some sort of justice would be served. Of course, none was. Thank you, because all you did was make me feel like my rape was my fault. "What were you wearing?" ; "Did you flirt with him" ; "Was it made clear to him that you didn't want to have sex with him?". And not once did you ask what he was wearing. So while y'all invaded my privacy you didn't do anything but go to his house and tell him what i was saying, which, crazy thing, made everything worse. Because then came the texts. Your excuse for not doing anything? "the holidays came around and we got busy" so thank you so much for proving to me that you did not plan on doing anything. Here we are a year later and you all are still just moseying around with your day-to-day routine. Because while this doesn't affect you anymore, it affects me every damn day of my life.

PTSD from sexual assault is an actual thing. Your body was violated and your mind won't let you forget it.
453 days ago
reagen_adelle edited her profile info
453 days ago
I saw something in you,
something beautiful, alluring..
something more than words can describe.
I was attracted to you,like a moth to a flame.
Because of that, there were days,when all i wanted was to hear the sound of your voice,and to feel the glide of your fingertips against my skin,I had a constant longing to be in your presence.
Though I still haven’t learned how to act when i see you,because the way your eyes light up is the most amazing thing to me.

And you showed me your imperfections and i immediately fell in love.

But then one day something in you changed.
I don’t know what it was, but that light wasn’t as bright anymore.You stopped wanting to be around me.
So i’m left constantly reaching out for you,
and the second my fingertips brush your skin you pull away,and i’m left gripping the empty space of where you once were.
And i get that you’re scared & you’ve been hurt before,
but doing what is easy & safe is no way to live,because a life without passion & love,is so far beneath what you deserve.
But i miss us.
I miss how happy we were.
I miss how you would roll over at 3am just to kiss me and hold my hand
I miss how you used to ask when i would be home because you wanted to see me.
I miss your goodmorning kisses.
I miss how close i felt to you.

Despite all of this,
i still love you more than anything. And if you don’t’ love me, as i do you,i understand.
453 days ago
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564 days ago