I'm sure I won't be the only one to have experienced this. You think you've got your life sorted, you've got where you wanted to be and suddenly, you get your one-way ticket to hell.
I'm not one who gives up easily, I wouldn't be here today if I did. I could have given up the fight as a child, I could have turned to drugs, alcohol...but somehow I kept going.
Even now, I'm still learning, I'm still having lightbulb moments, seeing things for what they were and gaining a better understanding.
Much has been gained through writing. In my case words can cut you very deep but they can also heal.
But then just when I thought I had my life worked out, when I thought I was living my purpose and enjoying it, tragedy struck. Dealing with the physical pain was easy. People say it must have hurt, it must...I don't know, I don't really remember that. What has stuck is the despair, the agonising, the sense of failure, even if there was nothing I could have done.
Emotional pain and grief made me so angry, an anger close to to madness, the likes that make you want to rip your tummy to pieces because it's empty and bare, and will stay that way. A pain that is with you before you even wake up in the recovery room.
I wondered why I had not died, I wished for a moment I had. How I found the strength to carry on fighting is very simple and only rests with my children. They helped me refocus, they're my purpose in this life. I still had moments when I wanted to slide away, just for a while, but I knew I couldn't.
For a while, my children became my sole purpose in life until I was "reborn". It's a strange thing to explain but to cut a long story short, one day the old Elle kicked in. What the hell had I been doing? Perhaps I did sort of slide away for a while and then I was back, and I started writing again, my other purpose in life.
Purpose is a funny thing, it keeps changing, evolving, just like life. And so it should be, a constant renewal, and finding yourself. We all have many purposes in life. What's yours?
P.S. Losing your purpose is awful, finding it again is a blessing.
So glad you rediscovered your purpose Elle, as it brought you to us. What a blessing you are. Thank you.
|948 days ago|