I'm scared because I see no tomrrow. The flu kept me bedridden for almost a week recently and lying very still to avoid the room from spinning me out of control, I had no choice but to amuse myself with what's on my mind. I've had nothing but losses for the last 10 years - my mother, friends, a job. But I've been steadily losing myself for longer than that.
I started to lose myself when I allowed a relationship to become abusive. While I had the courage to walk away, I never had the strength to forgive myself. I blamed myself for hanging in there, especially when having done volunteer work with women who were abused, I knew the signs, the plan & the inevitable outcome. It stripped me of my confidence that now, today, I hide under the blanket of darkness because I am both scared and ashamed.
Over the years, I've abandoned friends & family to avoid having to answer the questions that I knew they had because they suspected something was wrong. Sometimes I don't need a shoulder to cry on as much as to physically lean on & for a few minutes, to pretend that I will be ok. Sometimes I need someone to tell me that they love me so I remember I deserve to be loved. Sometimes I need someone to take my hand & help me restore my confidence without derision. Sometimes I need someone to care enough about me, even if I don't. All of those sometimes will never be anytime without friends or family, near you. I hide under the blanket of darkness because I am both alone & lonely.
During the worst part of the flu, I got scared and started to shout out, "please, someone help me". Thankfully no one came to rescue because I would have been mortified. Hair gone wild, sweaty t-shirt & the mess from the day before that I never got a chance to clean up. I just pulled that blanket over me & pretended someone was looking after me. Pretending has been a big part of my life. I filled the voids that way. Only child, pretend otherwise. Shy, pretend not to be. Relationships, pretend they were to be. And if push comes to shove, I crawled under the blanket of darkness because no one could see the pretenses.
I have no courage or will left to ascend and for that I am very sorry because I'm not sure it's my time to go. I am sorry for all the people I disappointed & for those I will disappoint. I have no strength left to lift the blanket of darkness.
When things seemed darkest in my life and I could not see the beauty in the day. Wanting the pain to be over more than anything else, somehow without strength in me strength was found. At first just to put a foot in front of the other. Baby steps because that steps was all I had.
Please take those baby steps. reach out know you are loved. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
But you and your marvelous voice are needed. How can we help?
Love and light my friend. Hugs and love to help you.
|1017 days ago|
You have no idea how much your hugs & XOX mean to me. I always thought I could ride out any storm but can't seem to this one. I'll be homeless by the end of the week, I've lost everything physical & now spiritual. I love & respect each of you from the bottom of my heart and soul & all the members, and of course the amazing, Ana. Thank you!
|1017 days ago|
Heidi, I too am sending you a huge hug. I can also relate, I have been there more times than I can count or care to remember. That blanket has been my solice and my friend, when none were there to help.
Please know you are loved and cared about even though we have never spoken, my heart is with you. My thoughts, prayers and love are with you.
More than you can ever, ever know I understand every single word you wrote as if you had written my life.
It isn't your time to go, you have too much joy to learn. To much to give and receive. Today we give your our strength of understanding, hope, love, and hugs.
As Elle says, right now is time for you to take care of you.
Much love and hugs.
|1018 days ago|
Heidi, sending you big hugs. I keep you in my thoughts even when we don't speak. I do relate to what you say and I so wish I could help.
I've been there and not so long ago I did do a fabulous job of hiding under the blanket.
Wanting someone to help and not...
Don't be sorry for other people. Please look after yourself, get your strength back.
Huge hugs, I wish I could send you some strength too
|1018 days ago|