As everyone who knows me can attest to, I am a master at 'going silent'. I would like to be able to say that my silence has a greater purpose, i.e. achieve an inner peace, balance, etc. but the truth is I am shutting down the world around me to feel safe. Safe from what? The imagined laughter coming from the world if I dream to big or loud, the snide remarks directed at every wrinkle & sag on my face & body, the overwhelming feeling of I am no longer needed & if I am no longer needed, I no longer want my own self. I become silent when I hurt.
I don't want others to see my self doubts & vulnerabilities. What will they think? How will they react? Imagined laughter & loud whispers play on a continuous loop in my head until I stand before myself, the unbroken part crying & the broken part silent. I want to set my own 'self' free & more importantly, pardon myself for what I've done, real or imagined.
We all need to set our heart & soul free, to create, see & feel...love, happiness, a purpose, etc. And with that freedom, we achieve inner strength. The strength, at the very least, to quiet the demons but at the most, conquer them. The whispers are coming from within, the laughter the loudest when we are silent.
It's sounds so easy but yet so difficult to conquer. My instinct is to run & hide, make it go away for another day, LEAVE ME BE! One of my objectives in 2012 is not to be silent about my pain, doubts or fears. Because silence should be used to create stillness within to create the ability to listen to yourself & others, to simply live. When silence is used to disable yourself & others, you merely enable your personal demons to speak.
You don't even have to open the door, open the window & look out of your own self. What you see at the moment may not be what you want or need but it is only a moment, don't make it a lifetime commitment.
Mine is sleep. The need to go hide in the dark closet or pull the blanket over my head. This post hits me on so many levels you have no idea. I share exactly these vulnerabilities and fear or yes I fear that if I speak no one will listen, no one will care. This has been true in the past, maybe in the future and I wonder if I am invisible sometimes.
|945 days ago|
wow. this post really really pierced me Heidi for myriad reasons. I look forward to reading more from you as you explore sharing your darkness and your light. It is my own feeling that in the telling we liberate not only our self but often others. Paying homage to the ALL of it has been vital I know in my own life... and yes that includes the dark and the light.
|947 days ago|
Beautifully said, Heidi. You know, I go there, too. That's a freakin' dark cave. Talking and trusting myself and those who love me helps me through it. And, as we have both said before, forgiving ourselves for those times we drink the dark cave Kool-Aid.
|949 days ago|