Well, Girlie! So far so good!
Operation peahen, 90% complete. :-) Last 10% should be all giggles!
I had Zack throw their food inside the doggie carrier. They ran in—first logistic hurdle jumped, easy peasy!
I was really worried the farmer wouldn’t take the peacocks back. When I explained to him that as much as I was willing to gaslight my husband, I didn’t want to be D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D, he grunted, which I took for understanding my drift. He said, “Go on and pick yerself out the hens.”
I really wanted to take some time to ask him about laying hens, etc., but Zachary was focused on a new Star Wars game and wouldn’t stop asking me about it. I couldn’t risk Ed beating me home and catching me unloading the hens! Instead, I settled for what the farmer said were good laying hens.
Got Zack’s game, got home, and Zack flat left me—couldn’t wait to begin playing his new bribe, I mean game, fast enough.
So I begin to unload the hens, and Nathan pulls in the drive!
“Mom, what are you doing?”
“Nothing.” You know, all these years, that’s the answer he’s given me to the very same question. It seemed a wise time to pull it out and use it.
As big, strong, macho Nate is helping me with the carrier, he says, “It doesn’t look like nothin’. Mommmm?”
I’m worried Nathan will have one of his psychic moments.
“Is this something you don’t want Dad to know about?”
Shit. It’s a psychic moment.
“Okay, yes. I don’t want your father to know. You know how he is about stuff!”
The psychological hook is set, but the question is, will he take the bait and join my team?
“Mom, do these hens have anything to do with the peacocks?”
Double shit. The ungrateful little bastard is looking for leverage.
I said, “I decided as many eggs we eat a week, it would be good to have laying hens. What, you don’t want farm-fresh eggs?”
Distraction. Smoke and mirrors. Need to wiggle off this hook!
Nathan nods slowly and goes inside.
I realize he’s going to make a beeline for Zack and pump him for information. If he can get Zack to put down the Star Wars game, I’m cooked. But I need to finish with the hens, clean up all the evidence—I mean mess—and then pretend like, well, this is what normal people do!
Inside, I hear Nathan trying to bribe Zack with a measly five bucks! Can you believe the nerve? Trying to bribe his disabled brother. Geez. So I say, “Five bucks, Nathan? That isn’t even enough for a game!”
“Yeaah, Nathannnn,” Zack joins in.
“Okay. I’ll just tell dad when he gets home that I saw you unloading a bunch of hens.” He smiles. The bastard has gone right for the jugular.
I say, “Look, don’t ruin Zack’s fun. We’re just playing a little joke on your dad.”
Nathan looks to Zack for confirmation. Zachary says, “Yeaah, Nathannnn.”
It pays to know exactly which bribes work. Five bucks, please.
“So, you’re going to see if Dad notices the hens?”
“And when he does, you’re going to say the peacocks were never here? That you bought hens to begin with?”
“Mom, are you gaslighting Dad?”
“Yes, but it’s for a good cause.”
He nods, slowly. He’s young. He knows nothing of sex credits and the complications of a long marriage. It’s better to keep it simple: gaslighting.
“So Mom. I’ve been meaning to tell you—my car isn’t going to make it much longer. It has a ton of miles on it, needs new rotors, and...”
I’m wondering where he got so good at this extortion thing. But I say, “Okay, I can see where this is going. If you want to ruin a funny joke for your brother, go ahead. See if I care.”
I‘ve put up the psychic shield. I am willing Nathan to think I do not care one bit what he does.
“Twenty bucks, then?”
Whew it worked. I roll my eyes just to drive the point home—I don’t care. But I hand over the twenty bucks as fast as I can.
Team Mom officially formed.
“So, let’s run a pool to see how long it will take your dad to notice…”
“Three days,” Zachary says. Nathan puts dibs on tonight. I think it’ll be Wednesday morning when he’s out in the yard with the dogs.
“Zack,” I say, “What do you say when Dad says, ‘What happened to the peacocks?'"
Exactly, that’s what I’m talkin’ about!
“Zack, what do you say when Dad says, ‘Where did the hens come from?’”
“The farm, Zack! The farm! That is where the hens came from.”
“Okay, Mommmmm. I know-wuh.”
Nathan smiles. “I see a car in my future.”
Ed doesn’t notice a thing when he comes home! He leaves early in the a.m. to work out at the gym, and I don’t hear a word. So that puts Nathan out of the pool. But he’s grumbling about needing more money for silence, so I let him pick another time. He picked tonight! It might be “D-day.”
Oh. Lord. Help! I’m about to pee myself just thinking of it.
I hope you have a wonderful day, girlie! Enjoy the cool...
THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want in on the pool!
Friday, I want Friday. :-)
I love this! Karen at your sassiest best!
|1991 days ago|
Has Ed found out yet???? Second time around reading it. It was funnier even than the first. LOL
|1992 days ago|
|1992 days ago|
I can't wait to hear when Ed finds out. Thank you for the wonderful smile.
|1994 days ago|