In the cascading desire of new love, my now husband and I were on a quest to “do it” as many times as possible in the shortest period of time.
Craving, anticipating each meeting between us, I believed he could, would happily perform on demand. This idea originated from the closet of social crap stored in my young mind. I was pleasantly surprised one evening when we lay in bed and he said, “Would it be okay if I just held you tonight?”
“You mean you don’t want to have sex?”
“No, not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I’m kinda worn out.”
“I thought I could keep up with you. I’m sorry.”
I almost peed myself laughing. Having a sense of humor, I have learned, is very important to great lovemaking.
How I wished he’d said something sooner. I was feeling the effects of too much sex, just like him, but didn’t say anything.
What a lesson that was for us both. Learning to talk about sex instead of “doing it,” fumbling through what sex means to us and what we want it to mean. I’m sure many folks can relate to how hard it is to discuss sex—let alone the expectation of sex.
Many years later, my husband confided how desperate he was in that moment, sharing honestly about wanting to make love, but doubting he was able.
Only in Western culture is the concept of “male performance” understood. While many in the West cite the Tantra or Kama Sutra as a means to “increase” male performance, they are sadly misguided.
In my last post I discussed Divine Union, the giving and receiving of sacred sex. Within this context, there is no performance. No expectations. There is only a journey of awareness of your beloved’s pleasure and your pleasure. Everything is okay, but everything is also communicated and discussed.
In our lovemaking we are equally concerned about what the other needs. Sometimes, sex is “all about him”—whatever he would like, with no expectation that he needs to perform to satisfy me.
This only works because we are connected in the giving and receiving—with our lovemaking, and within all of our relationship. There is no score that needs to be kept of the number of times it was “about him” or “about me.” There is no worry or concern on my part that he is selfish or uncaring.
Sacred sex is like a mirror of your life. You can only go to that place of extraordinary pleasure with a beloved who shares your heart and soul, a person you are willing to be vulnerable with. Say something that is difficult, express your desires. Time, commitment and investment in one another are all needed—guided by the intention to have an experience of life beyond what the ego mind offers.
A friend confided in me that her partner was having trouble “performing.” She’s wondering if she’s “lost her sex appeal” or if he is no longer attracted to her. She’s wondering if she’s underperforming and that’s his turnoff.
Sex is in the mind, performed by the body. Divine Union is in the heart, consummated by the body. Performing is about mechanics that come out of the mind. Pleasure, done with the heart, is devoid of performance.
I asked my friend if she thought she could give him permission to orgasm or to not orgasm, when he wants. Whatever happens, it's good, and they will just enjoy their time together—in Union.
She said she thought she might need a glass of wine to have “the talk,” but yes—what the heck could it hurt?
A few days later, she enthusiastically shared that she and her partner had THE BEST lovemaking experience EVER. The reasons for her success:
1. Tender discussion about the need to discuss making love in the context of their entire relationship.
2. Permission to let whatever happens be okay, to move away from stale mechanics.
3. Relief that is wasn’t “her” and it wasn’t “him.” It was performance anxiety.
“Experts” will cite pressure, stress, expectations, nerves, and lack of sleep, along with possible biological reasons, as the biggest problems with male “performance.”
The problem with male or female “performance” is always mindset and intention. If the sole focus of sex is on the body and the body’s cravings, the ego will always be present. Performance is always the road to despair. The ego believes it is a body. It knows nothing of what lies beyond the body and into the sacred realm of Divine Union.
While sex of the body may be what is common, it’s not what is sustainable. Sooner or later in relationship, couples will need to either withdraw from or move past the body. Withdrawing, not having sex, causes difficulties for both ego and spirit. Moving past the body into Divine Union creates a never-ending journey with your beloved.
Oh, my last post in the sex series: The importance of Humor in Sacred Sex.
Blowing the myth that men want it all the time, love it and yes, humour is important. It helps in many situations.
Great post Karen, have a lovely weekend!
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