Yesterday, I wanted to die.  I was speaking to a very good friend and somewhere in that conversation, I blurted out I'm tired, I just want to die and burst into tears.  For the last three weeks, the tears come with every sad note, word or image.  It's not depression, it's almost as if something inside of me needs to come out & be done, to be over.  My friend was shocked, and I'm just sad.  I'm crying now, as I write this and not sure why.

It is the first time in my life, I feel lonely.  I love being alone and able to keep myself amused but not having a job is too much 'alone' time.  I've listed with all the headhunters, stay in touch with my network, volunteer, go for walks, read, blog, but the days are long and the nights longer, approximately 1 year & 1/2 & counting since I was layed off. I'm not the only one in this boat but I'm the only one I have.

The battle for me has always raged within.  I come from a family who did not wear their heart on their sleeves. I did and was the odd heart out.  As an only child, most of my socializing was with myself.  Not to say I didn't have friends but we emigrated to Canada twice in the first 10 years of my life, so you lose out on lasting friendships.  I became my best friend and currently, I'm fighting me over me.

I have to believe I'm going to win. I know I'm smart, have a lot to offer and as one Linkedin networker said, "an admirable exception to my generation".  And then I square off against - you're too old, too fat, too everything negative.  Sometimes, I do win the battle and tomorrow is another day that brings new opportunities.  And then there are those moments where I seem to lose my mind & will to fight.   I have to believe I want to live.

I've pushed away most of my  friends over the last little while, I just don't call them or respond to emails.  When I hurt, I retreat.  This particular friend, lives & works in England and didn't stop phoning,  She needed my advice & support, that's what people know me to be.  Someone who will listen, provide any insight or POV and generally leave them laughing.  Why can't I do that for myself?  I have to believe in me.

Thanks for all who read because you are listening & believe.