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14.10.2012 (2196 days ago)
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Dear body

Dear body of mine,

Haven't you and I struggled? We became enemies. I know it's not your fault, you just grew, did what you were supposed to do.

But boy, did I hate those looks, the old perverts who wanted a slice of you. They made me feel dirty, I wanted to disappear.

A bout of high fever and I returned to school, aged 11, towering over the rest of my class, such a strange and alien feeling. I was already an alien, the strange girl who had appeared out of nowhere, and disappeared again after a few days.

The illness finally showed its true face, revealing what was to come. With it came solitude, more of it. No more school, just long days spent alone at home or at the hospital. They thought I would die, but I'm still here. "A survivor," they said. They didn't know the whole story, illness only played a small part.

"Survivor" has been a key word in my life. How many times people have said that?


Some days I've looked back thinking how ignorant I was. Those little signs you give me, the little warnings I don't want to hear. How many years did it take me to realise I wasn't fat? That the rounded stomach and that bloated feeling a few days a month were just to remind me I'm a woman.

And wasn't I glad to be a woman so I could give birth to my wonderful children. You remember how I screamed the place down after my first pregnancy was confirmed. I put the phone down and danced around the kitchen like a lunatic. It was your turn to struggle but we fought together, all three of us, my daughter hanging in there until she couldn't wait any longer. We made it, against the odds. Thank you for that.


Then it went wrong, all the babies I lost. How I cried and blamed you. Why couldn't I have just one more? The pain every time. But we did it, eventually, one more time. The battle was even fiercer. I saw my life slipping away, but there was a spark left, it brought me back. Together we fought.



So, dear body, we've had many fights. Do you remember the last one? The one that nearly killed me. You let me down big time, it took all I had in me to carry on, to survive. I hated you for being inadequate, I pulled at my body, the empty space, so hollow, desperate to fill the void.

We're still getting to know each other. I recognise the signs better these days, trying to make peace, and not fight them.

Thank you dear body, for carrying on the fight. You could have given up on me, you could have lay down to sleep. I gave you such a hard time, and yet you've given me so much. So, thank you, and I'll try and listen.






Lost in your time

Novelist meets French rock star, prepare for the sparkles.


Ah, the dangers of the internet! We’ve all been warned, but do we take notice?

When Natasha clicks on a link, her whole life is turned upside down. A flash from the past, a chance meeting with a gorgeous French rock star...

A chance to start over and forget the pain and misery from the last two years.

But can Natasha let go? Will she accept this new twist in her life?







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Elle · 2196 days ago
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  •  Marta: 
    Oh Elle, my heart aches. You always know how to express things so well. Hugs dear one.
     2175 days ago 
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Dear body