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06.04.2010 (3206 days ago)
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A Letter to all the Members of WOTV

I'm really not a good writer.  It's so hard for me to find the right words to describe how I really feel or if the readers will fully understand what I'm trying to relay.  Please bear with me.. I'll try my best to make this very simple and brief.


I got married last 2002.  After a few months, I got pregnant and gave birth to a baby girl the next year.  After giving birth, my husband stopped working.  He told me that he wanted to take care of the baby, spend time with her, because he feels that he's old and that he might die without being able to spend quality time with his daughter.  It was fine with me at first.  But as the years passed by, I grew tired of seeing him just sitting around at home and leaving all the financial burden to me. 


I am the bread winner in the family even before I got married.  My parents told me to find our own place after I got married but it was my husband who insisted that we stay with my parents because he wants our daughter to learn the same values that was taught to me by my parents.  With full respect to my husband's suggestion, we continued to stay at my parent's house.  


You can imagine now what happened to me..  I continued to support my parents, at the same time, raising my own family..


With this situation, I started to lose the respect that I'm supposed to give to my husband.  Can anyone of you blame me for feeling this way?  I tried to tell him.  I asked him to find a place of our own.  I even tried to teach him my line of work to make him feel that he should be doing what I was doing.  But all these.. in vain..


To make the story short, we did separate when my daughter was already four years old though the separation was informal and not legal.  We agreed that he can still visit our daughter as often as he likes.  The separation somehow made me feel better in the sense that I no longer expect anything from him financially.  And without any more expectations, I learned to respect him as the father of my daughter, as a friend who always stood by us in times of trouble.  Things got better for all of us.


He comes to our house every morning, before I go to work, and leaves when I get back (most of the time, my daughter's already asleep when I get home from work). We both explained to our daughter that her daddy can't sleep with us because daddy's business is at my in-laws home and daddy needs to be there very early.  We decided to make this story for our daughter's sake.  We didn't want her to think that the her family is already broken.  It has been like this until now.  As if we're not really separated.  My husband still eats lunch and dinner at our house.  And still does not give any penny..  And I still work hard to raise my daughter and to support my sick parents.


I work almost sixteen hours a day.. Leaving my daughter in the loving care of her father..  Never did I imagine that this will be the start of another problem.  A problem that will tear my heart apart, my whole being..


I went home last night from a long out of town business trip.  I found my daughter still awake, playing with her father in our bedroom.  I asked my husband to go because I was so tired and I wanted to sleep already, and at the same time spend time with my daughter.  When her father was about to leave the room, my daughter cried so much because she didn't want her dad to go. Instead, she told me that I should be the one to leave.. Since all I do is work, work, work.  She said that if I'm not working, I'm at home but sleeping.. Her dad got mad at her and tried to explain to her why I'm always away.  But she wouldn't listen.  I went out of the room crying.. I didn't know where to go or what to do..  I slept on the couch and left early this morning.. I just got home now and I heard my daughter still awake.  I didn't want to disturb her playtime with her dad. 


And now I'm here, in front of my laptop telling you this story with tears in my eyes.  I don't know how to explain to her.  I don't know the right words that will make her understand.. Please help me.  We're all women.  I know that you understand what I'm going through.. Please help me..







Bing · 3206 days ago
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  •  Marta: 
    Oh Bing, I am so sorry that I did not read this earlier. My heart goes out to you and your daughter. I must agree with Ana too. My mother was always gone and working as I was growing up. Yet by keeping us a part of the team (so to speak) we felt closer to her, more able to communicate and felt both a part of her life and that she was a part of ours.
    Blessings to you.
     2726 days ago 
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  •  WanderWoman: 
    One of my clients who is the breadwinner in her family engages her two daughters in her life as much as possible. She shares what projects she is working on. She shows them where she works. She talks about what's fun and what is not. When she decided, with difficulty, to also pursue her MBA, she took her daughters to the campus, shared her homework with them and they were so proud to be with her on graduation day! Don't keep your life separate from your daughter. Let her see that what you are doing is wonderful and important, not a drain. AND PLEASE, make sure your husband agrees and supports you as a full-time member of the family.
     3137 days ago 
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  •  Heidi: 
    Yes, you are a good writer, look at how many of us understood what you were saying & how you are feeling is also coming across clearly.
    It sounds like you are the mother of two children, your husband & your daughter. I never raised children but the comments made by the moms in this group, make total sense. This will sound cliche but you need to take some time to think about what you need and begin to set some boundaries. To have so many people depending on you for support, both financially & physically, may ultimately start to affect your health. If you respect your husband as a father & friend, then he needs to step up as a father & friend and do some of the heavy lifting.

    In addition to having your daughter participate in helping out, you need to also get your husband to pitch in, financially & physically, as an adult. It gets back to creating boundaries and they are not meant to be solid, to keep people in, out or in place, it's simply to ensure that your needs, i.e. having time with your daughter, are being met.

    My heart goes out to you, what a load you carry. All my love & hugs, Bing, and keep writing.
     3204 days ago·1 replies1 replies 
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  •  Elle: 
    Gosh, I don't know where to start!
    Such a difficult situation,I send you a big hug to start with.

    I agree with Ana,tiredness makes everything worse.
    I know as a mum, how hurtful it must feel to see your daughter's reaction.
    It's not easy when you've got so much on your plate and no time for yourself.
    I know ,I've been there,even though my situation was very different to yours.
    Often,it all gets so overwhelming,you don't know what to do for the best and you're too tired or hurting too much to make decisions.
    Trouble is nobody can make these decisions for you.
    In my case I retreated in my shell,it was all I could do to keep going at the time.
    I certainly wouldn't recommend that approach either !

    I also agree with Ana regarding housework and making your daughter participating.That's what I do with my two.

    I don't know if you can manage this but it sounds to me like the best thing you could do at this time is to take some time out and just spend time with your daughter.
    I know you probably need to keep earning but sometimes you have to change your priorities.

    I don't know why you beat yourself up about your writing, it's clear and to the point!

    I really hope you can find this precious time for you and your daughter.
    Best wishes,love,Elle
     3206 days ago·1 replies1 replies 
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  •  AnaLewis: 
    Oh Bing, BIG hugs to you!!!

    Being tired sure doesn't help matters at all. Last night, I would imagine your daughter, who was up past her bedtime, was also tired. That probably added fuel to the fire.

    I am not a professional, but I have been divorced and I was a single mom for 15 years of my kid's lives and I have always believed in honesty. I also believe that anyone who is part of the household must be a participant - in order for things to work.

    Even though it is not ideal, both you and your husband are participating - you earn and he is the caretaker. Does he also keep the house - clean, do laundry, do the daily upkeep? If not, maybe that needs to be added to his to-do list.

    As for your daughter? She could also participate in the teamwork required to keep up your home and lifestyle. Keeping her room clean, helping make her breakfast and lunch, and doing some small chores will involve her and also raise her self-esteem. My kids had to learn certain tasks at various ages - sandwich making at 3 years old, laundry at 10 as examples.

    Please find some time for yourself. You deserve some nurturing and no reason that you can't do that for yourself. Spend some time on yourself and feel the beautiful in you.
     3206 days ago·1 replies1 replies 
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A Letter to all the Members of WOTV