From Sunday night to Monday night, early morning, I swallowed 60 pills, cut my wrists and put a plastic bag over my head, obviously all a dismal failure because I'm here, typing away. It's not so much I want to die as it's I don't want to live with the fears, self-doubt and no passion. Not sure what is driving what. I do know, however, that I've felt this way for a long time, not like the episode of the last 24 hours but moments of feeling something is not right.
As I laid there watching an old towel soak up blood, I thought of the all the people who I shared a lot of laughs with over the years. What would they think & say? I know the majority love black humor and you can't get any blacker than this. All would agree that I should have researched this better, what works most of the time or not at all. They probably are right, but according to the research at least one out of 3 should have done the trick. I thought of people who have a lot more to deal with than simply 'feeling that something isn't right'. Cancer, chronic pain or ill health, abuse, war, rape, etc. and they have the inner strength to live with it or overcome and get on with living. But here I am and getting on with trying to die. Because something isn't right. I've done everything from psychoanalysis to LOA. I wonder what those practioners of EFT & LOA and any variation of positive mindset would say as they watched me cut into my wrists & not be happy when the damn cut closed up so I cut some more. The sense of purpose in cleaning up knowing that I need to be ready for Sunday night. Putting out extra water and food for my cat. Writing a letter and leaving phone numbers so they can get in touch with family and friends. What's in your little bag of practitioner tricks that will do the trick? I do believe that LOA & EFT, etc. work but only on a certain level of anxiety, fear or negativity. This is the big kahuna of emotions, anger directed at myself at such a level that I felt nothing cutting into my wrists with a box cutter. I felt nothing swallowing 60 pills in two installments, nothing, zero, zilch, no pain or emotion only purpose.
I don't really know what to do now. If there is a silver lining in this all, it proved to me that I do want to live and be happy. And maybe that's the message. Maybe it's not so much about spending my energy fixing what is wrong but doing what is right. Maybe? Maybe the 24 hours was rock bottom and there is no way but up. Maybe?
I agree with Ana.I started reading your post horrified.
I wish i had the words to stop you from ever considering doing this to yourself again.
I can see a cry for help and I wish my hand and arms extended all the way to you.
They might not do physically but you are in my heart.
You are not alone.
I do not know what makes one person carry on and the other wanting to end it all.
I feel your suffering and wish I could find all the magic words to help you.
I have had times like that when you feel so alone and you do not know why to go on.
The truth is however bad you're feeling, you never know what's coming next, what wonderful surprise might await you.I'm willing you to seek help, talk and find the help that will make you want to stick around to find the wonderful surprise waiting for you.
I struggled thinking of you on that night and I'm grateful that you are here with us to tell your story.
You are right sometimes we need to hi rock bottom before we can get better and you're right it so damn hurts.
Lots of love to you,Elle
|1542 days ago|
Also, on another note, I don't think you're alone. That "something's not right" feeling drags at me sometimes, too. What the hell is up with that? I freakin' do yoga everyday. My friends tell me I am the calmest, most "enlightened" person (that makes me chuckle) they know. I don't think so... I get those dark feelings too and am not really sure where they come from or why. Is it depression or simply something that we need to learn to deal with? Maybe one of our doctors in the community can help. Is it a woman thing? Do men feel this too?
|1542 days ago|
I hope that you are ready to move up, as I would miss you terribly. In fact, I am crying typing this. Please don't leave us... I know I sound selfish saying it, but it's honest. Also, I have been waiting for you to work on a marketing plan with me. I want to plot with you so we can open up this crazy, beautiful community to the world. Please stay on this planet with us.
|1542 days ago|